Dec
2
Some things that were initially very hard post-divorce have actually become delightful. For instance, when Dylan comes over. At first I really hated how he felt like a visitor as opposed to my child that I live with, and so I felt a nasty kind of internal pang when he would arrive and knock on the door or when I would say goodbye to him. But now that time has gone by and he has come and gone many times and immediately makes himself at home here, the knock is so fun! Sometimes he does it to the Terminator theme: knockknockknock knockknock. And I just feel a whoosh of happiness that he’s arrived and there’s the whole funny business of keeping Billy the escape artist at bay and nothing about it feels anything other than good. Saying goodbye is the same, it doesn’t feel like goodbye and I guess I’ll never see you again, young stranger, it’s a routine of hugs and comically checking for forgotten items and hollering LOVE LOVE! with Billycat in my arms and waving madly as he gets in his car, knowing that it won’t be long until I see him again, not long at all.
There is a real sense of quality over quantity when it comes to spending time with the boys. The loss of the everyday has not disappeared for me but it isn’t nearly as heavy as it initially felt. Boy, there was this one football game where John and I were both talking to Dylan on the field afterwards and John said “See you at home!” and took off, while I stood there and sort of felt like I was crumbling into infinity dust from the inside, and then that feeling kind of embiggened over the next few days and, well, it was dark and sad, living that truth of not being the parent who could see him at home and get the full post-game download. It’s not just losing the wet towels and kitchen counter crumbs and barely-mumbled acknowledgments, it’s losing every bit of the best stuff, just seeing him day to day, the tiny fun moments and the bigger discussions and everything in between. It is hard, period, BUT. BUT! But now it is intentional, now it is one-on-one time, now it is seeing each other in new ways and building new traditions. Now it is really beautiful, even though it is not the same.
I don’t see Riley as often — college, girlfriend, he’s 20 now whaaaaat?! — but that also feels good and intentional when I do. There is a point in parenting with a partner when the kid gets old enough that you don’t feel overwhelmed by doing it solo and it becomes something special, or at least that was my experience, and that’s how I feel all the time with them now. Like it’s special. It was also my experience that the two of them got along better when it was just us three, and that’s something I get to enjoy now too.
I am living out some ups and downs for sure but it sure feels like things are on an upswing lately. Thanksgiving was a real gift this year, far more pleasant than I’d expected, and the rest of the holidays feel much more manageable and even something to look forward to. My cards arrived and they are wonderful, and it is so cheering to think of sitting down at my little sun-drenched desk in the living room to write out addresses to the recipients I choose, how that will be such a full pleasure this time around.
There were times during the first weeks after the initial flurry of housepainting and repairs and updates and whatnot when it felt a little yikes to be on my own, a little blue a little scary a little hooboy. Maybe I’ll feel like that again, maybe it’ll come and go, but I think I am luxuriating in it in a way I wasn’t sure would endure; a special kind of all-for-me experience that runs the spectrum from trying shuffle dance moves in the kitchen to eating precisely what I want to watching TikToks in bed with the sound on to having minimal laundry work to choosing every bit of television I want to.
There are a million nice things about living like this, I would say alone but of course I do have an adorable/maniacal fur companion, and I think the very best thing is having my own moods. The way I feel emotionally is not in a constant state of flux depending on other circumstances and that alone is actually priceless.
Nov
24
This Thanksgiving is going to be different from what I have done for years BUT with the loss of the enjoyable aspects of this tradition I am also losing the anxiety. On Wednesday evening I’m taking the boys plus Riley’s sweet girlfriend out to a fancy dinner, and on Thanksgiving day I’ll be fussing over frozen rolls as usual and bringing those over to my hospice-fam-turned-real-fam’s house. I’ll be sharing the holiday with some folks who have become very dear to me, I could never have imagined it a year ago and isn’t that kind of wonderful? Among all the change, some new connections that truly fill my cup.
I am feeling that holiday sense of time hurtling along faster than usual, but fewer of the pressures. Like everything else it is a mixed gift of remembering what was while adjusting to what’s now. I ordered photo cards! I feel very proud of myself for that, it seemed way too overwhelming at first and then I just barreled my way through it and now it’s done and hopefully they are cute and a good memento of a very *wipes brow* memorable year.
I bought an adorable reindeer-shaped decoration made of fake greenery and attached it to my house and that in and of itself felt like such an achievement. Thank you TJ Maxx for being so awesome even though you are a no-shit sensory nightmare! I also got some pretty holiday throw pillows which will have to be my stand-in for a tree this year, perhaps Billy the chaos kitten will be compatible with precarious decor in the future but that time is definitely not now.
One thing that is cheering among the difficulty of different: I have always put out some sweet ramshackle ornaments and whatnots that have more family meaning than aesthetics and this time around I can have a more minimal and stylish holiday setup, the sort I have often admired but thought, well, not for me. So that is nice, you know? It is hard for sure, but there is a part of it that is honestly a delight. Now I have had both experiences. More, not less.
The entire divorce kit and caboodle is very: you can have this, but it means that. I keep writing that, I know. But it just keeps being the biggest thing, how this is so good and so bad at the exact same time! A whole lot of loss, and yet so many expected and also utterly surprising gains.
I will say that one silver lining of the bummer parts that have unfolded is that I have no uncertainties whatsoever about the decision to separate. It is good and healing to feel it in my bones that it was the right thing to do.
In the ongoing balance of good and bad, it truly is a net positive. The holidays won’t be like they were — and what a joyful thing it is to make new traditions and experience different energies. I feel so lucky to have such great kids and a new life that’s being rebuilt around my own preferences and choices. I’m so happy to do cheery intentional shopping only, with some new fun-to-buy-for recipients in mind. I feel like I can take big full breaths now throughout December, knowing all that I do will be with and for those who truly care for me in all that I am.
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