Dec
27
There is only one way my Christmas could have been better, and that’s if I had been able to be in two places at once. I would have loved to somehow also been with my mom and aunt in Port Angeles, but failing that, it was the very best of holidays.
I bought a whole frozen meal from Honey Baked Ham, and let me tell you, I can STRONGLY endorse that strategy. Was it expensive, sure it was, but was it more expensive than buying everything I would have needed to make the same meal from scratch? Ok I don’t actually know but I think it might have been pretty comparable! And it certainly saved me a lot of stress, because the only thing I had to worry about was getting everything out and hot at the same time and that’s what everyone has to worry about. I bet even Julie Child was like OH MOTHERFUCKING BOTHER on Christmas Eve while confronted with the hot-and-ready-to-serve math.
I did sort of assume the food itself would be just okay dawg but it was so surprisingly delicious! The ham itself was outrageous, sweet and salty and meltingly juicy and tender, and every side was a banger, from the cornbread stuffing to the sweet potato souffle. I also made a pot of regular mashed potatoes (the instant kind, you can’t tell me that’s not NEARLY just as good when you add butter and milk) and frozen Texas Roadhouse rolls (they are stupidly tasty, don’t sleep on these lil guys, I found them at Walmart) and I got some decadent cream puffs from the fancy grocery store with the stellar bakery.
So the whole meal was a success and that was a relief, but also I had such great company! Dylan came over early to distract Billy for me, and then Riley arrived and we had a lot of fun convo while getting everything ready. I had Sprite and grenadine syrup for Shirley Temples, and lots of nuts and sweet treats. Billy gave me the holiday gift of snoozing in the open chair instead of launching a full-scale attack on the table, so it was kind of like he was eating with us, drunk uncle style.
Afterwards, we played a long and hilarious game of Uno — I was inspired by joining this tradition at my sweet friends’ house for Thanksgiving. This particular game went on and on for just the right amount of time, long enough to include a terrific amount of shouting and screech-laughing but not so long as to wear out its welcome. It was just so funny, all of us kept getting down to one card then having to draw back up again. At one point I had to draw and draw and draw and it became so side-splittingly ridiculous I could not even breath.
That was all just perfect, a truly memorable time and one of the very best Christmas Eves I can remember. But wait, like Ginsu knives, there was more! The boys came back over late Christmas morning after they opened gifts with their dad’s family, and we had oven-fresh monkey bread and exchanged our own presents. They got plenty of stocking gifts, which I so enjoyed, and they did too. I felt so cherished and loved by them, with just-right gifts that made me feel well appreciated.
Dylan joined me for a barn outing, which was wonderful, and the weather was blue-sky gorgeous. Later, I went for a long river walk and really soaked up everything I saw — the gabbling snow-white geese, the tumble and smooth of the waters, the grey squirrels with their luxe minky tails, the people out on post-meal walks with their dogs, the button-bright children running or tucked into strollers. I felt part of everything and wholly separate. I felt contained and grounded. I felt like I perfectly fit, like I was exactly where I wanted to be.
I felt that way when I got home, too. I was looking out my window at the unusual number of cars parked everywhere, so many people visiting friends and family, and I felt so cozy. I felt so grateful for having spent time with exactly who I wanted to, and to be freed up at that point. I felt like I was gathering my good life around me like a soft blanket, with just me in the middle, and that was just fine.
Who knows what the holidays will look like for me in the future, but I am so grateful this year was exactly what I needed. I know I will always be able to have a beautiful Christmas with my boys, near or far, because the three of us are the magic ingredients.
This holiday season has never been easy for me. Even in good years, I would say this is a time that has felt heavy. I did not know how light it could feel. How I could breath deeply the whole time and not just afterwards. How it could lift me and make me feel held and so very full and self-assured, and how every single memory of it is a good one.
Dec
23
It is astounding to me how differently I feel about this holiday season now that it’s nearly over. At the beginning of the divorce process I could not bear to think of it at all, then even several weeks ago it seemed like this big painful thing I was just going to have to endure. I would say Thanksgiving really changed things for me — not only did I have a truly wonderful time both with and without my boys, but it gave me a ton of closure. It was crystal clear to me how much everyone has moved on, and so I was able to let go of a whole lot. I was able to set down a powerful desire to rearrange things to how I thought they should be, and that has done wonders for my wellbeing.
I’ve had so many wonderful holiday experiences! I went to two different parties, one was of course the CAT PARTY and the other was a lovely hosted event at our local science center and I got to play with all the exhibits and enjoy a planetarium talk. This past Sunday a friend gave me tickets to a caroling show that she could not use, and another friend joined me and it was so gorgeous to hear such beautiful singing and see the performers’ sparkling outfits. The audience was asked to join for a few songs — sweet Silent Night being one of them — and that was so good, singing beloved holiday music with other people. I don’t think I’ve done that since I was a child.
Last night I took Dylan to a new-to-us place for dinner, fancier fare than our usual, and the food was so good and afterwards we poked around the outdoor mall a bit and all the lights were doing their thing and a nice couple took our picture after I took theirs (my favorite little mini favor exchange!):
I sent out cards, I put lights at my front door, I had someone come and hang a big wreath above my garage. I bought candy and treats just for me. I wrapped a delightful number of gifts, not so many as to be a chore but enough to have the pleasure of wrapping. I did not have a tree (BILLY) but I have a small and cheering number of decorations. I burned a Frasier fir candle all month long and I danced in my kitchen to the Kay Starr remix of I’ve Got My Love to Keep Me Warm and I wore a little bow-shaped ring.
I bought a whole frozen dinner from Honey Baked Ham, for this was not the year I wanted to stress one bit over from-scratch cooking, and that’s what I’ll be having with my boys on Christmas Eve. I will however make biscuit monkey bread because they love it, and we’ll have some of that on Christmas Day while exchanging our gifts to each other. Later, I will go to the barn and Dylan is planning to go with me, so we will say hello to all the horses together, the best kind of present I can think of. I wish I could simultaneously be with my mom and aunt in Port Angeles, but I will be thinking of them and so looking forward to our upcoming visit in February.
Today I will go visit M at the care facility and it is good to see how they try so hard to make it festive there. He himself is Jewish but gamely participates in a few things, once we helped decorate a tree and then sat together and watched part of a holiday movie. On our last visit he was very tired and so I just sat next to his bed with him with my feet up, resting with him, and that was so nice.
I wish I could go back to myself even a few months ago and tell me how the holidays were going to be all right, better than that, they were going to be so damn good. Sometimes I think about that, how I often send reassuring or forgiving thoughts to my past selves. How it is a little woo for sure but maybe if I get quiet I can feel that any time, my own future me offering a steady hand. If only to remind me not to get too bogged down in how I think things will be or should be, but rather to let them unfold in their own ways — and to make room for all the unexpected wonders.
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