Sep
6
In the Before Times (is this really how I am thinking of pre-divorce life? I don’t know, let’s just go with it for now) I really relished the rare occasions when I had the house to myself. I had a little ritual for it: once everyone was out, I’d do some cleaning. Tidy up, vacuum, un-fuck the kitchen, etc. I’d light a good-smelling candle and turn on the twinkle lights, maybe put in new batteries if there was a need. Sometimes I’d put fresh sheets on the bed. I’d stock up on delicious snacks and dither happily over what movie I wanted to watch. I’d swish through the house feeling pleased by things being locked in, you know? Like if the counter was wiped clean, it stayed wiped clean until I dropped my own crumbs on it.
I liked that I could watch whatever I wanted without worrying that someone would come strolling by the living room right when an awkwardly dirty scene was taking place in the movie, or that I could play music in the kitchen and sing along with it. I liked getting dressed with the bedroom door flung open, I liked the just me feeling of it all.
But of course that was a special sometimes event, not the default state of my life. Could it possibly be as pleasurable to be alone when you’re alone, like, all the time?
I think it is too early to weigh in on how it feels to live alone. I’ve only been living by myself for a couple weeks, and it’s been during summer. I really don’t know how dark, dreary February is going to feel. I don’t know how the holidays are going to feel. (long exhale)
So far I have been staying very occupied with getting the house in order. It sort of feels like there are infinite things to do, whether that’s cleaning the ancient oven or figuring out how best to store shoes. I don’t even have a TV yet because I’ve been busy enough that I don’t feel the desire to sit down at 7 PM like I used to and watch a show, I often bring my iPad along with me and play something as I’m breaking down cardboard or straightening up a drawer or whatever. I listen to a lot of podcasts and audiobooks.
It’s early enough days that I haven’t established a normal rhythm to life yet. Soon the painters will descend and that will be a whole chaotic thing with rooms being sealed off and so on, plus I can’t hang anything on the walls until after they’re done. The incoming washer and dryer can’t be installed until the electrical panel gets updated, which will happen in a week or so. I still need a kitchen table and a couch for the back living room. I figure once I’m on the other side of all of this setup I’ll have a better understanding of what my day to day really looks like.
All to say I am in an unusual, temporary state of being. It’s been quite satisfying and interesting to discover how I operate on my own and create little supporting ecosystems, and I can’t say I’ve been idle enough to feel lonely or restless. But eventually I suppose I will find out whether it feels good to be by myself or not. Which is uhhhh kind of scary to think about! What if I don’t feel good about it, what then?
One cheery thought that comes to mind is that I definitely will have one or more animal companions in this home. Ruby, Catinator, and Tiny Cat are all living back at the family home, they’re so used to that environment it didn’t make sense to me to demand pet custody, plus they are delightful to visit when I’m there. So I will find my way to some additional pets at some point, whether through the great and mysterious animal distribution system or the humane society. Not yet, but soon. And that will help combat loneliness, to have another living presence around, especially if it’s a loud sassy yelling furniture-destroying presence like my beloved Callie was.
I think the best way to keep on feeling a sense of delight about living alone is to continually curate it, to walk around tidying and arranging things just so and noticing how everything is just for me and appreciating that. Also, to pay attention to my own thoughts and help steer things in the right direction, inward towards gratitude and outward towards service.
My brain has not always been my very bestest most supportive and loving BFF over the years but I have learned a LOT about catching, acknowledging, and redirecting negative self talk. Poor me, all alone is pretty easily turned into look at me, living just the way I want. I sometimes think about how I never expected to be here, but that even amongst the loss of what was and what might have been, I am so thrilled to be having this experience. I am finding it so rewarding and cool to learn so many new things about myself, I could not have imagined it but here I am, living it. I am so goddamned lucky, really: I have a lovely house in a lovely neighborhood and I am healthy and capable and I have great friends and there’s so much ahead.
I’m sure there will be hard days when things feel heavy. But all the ways I will be feeling — they will be mine, just like my pink bathmat and my gorgeous new yellow fridge. Not influenced by other people’s moods or actions. I like that so much. I like the idea that my own company is enough — a rich, full, worthy life all on its own.
Aug
29
I spent some real good time with both kids this week. Monday night I took Riley and his girlfriend out to dinner and it was so nice; I enjoyed seeing how they interact with each other when there’s fewer people around — less pressure to politely endure being peppered with adult questions, more space to reveal how nicely intertwined they are. They’re so young, but in a sweet authentic kind of love that is a pleasure to be around. We laughed a lot and I walked away feeling like they are just both in really good hands.
A couple days later Dylan came over for Hawaiian takeout (huli huli chicken hell yeah) and we made do with my lack of dining surfaces and he checked out the house progress and deemed it worthy. While we were in the backyard admiring my new fence, he spotted an osprey overhead. Upon further inspection, it had a fish in its grip! An unexpected exciting benefit of living closer to the river, my gosh.
When I hugged him goodbye at the door and watched him drive away I did feel some heavy sadness. It is, of course, a big loss to go from getting to see him every day in a shared household to hosting him like he is some sort of guest. Riley too, for that matter, although he’s heading back to college soon. But I will say that both of these visits felt very different from the various hallway passings and morning ‘sups. Far more intentional, with their full focus. It’s less — but more quality.
It IS less, though, no way to silver-line my way around that. I don’t get those small interactions throughout the day, I’m out of the loop. It sometimes feels like a fairy tale sort of tradeoff: poof, you only have to clean up after yourself now! But that’s because you don’t live with your family any more!
I went around and around and around the pros and cons of separating for so long. The ugly math of us together versus us apart. I guess for a long time it felt impossible to reconcile, like both scenarios just led to unhappiness, but the knowns felt less scary than the unknowns. Certain things felt too hard to bear, like not being able to talk with someone about shared memories of the kids, and the painful idea that me and the kids might drift apart if I wasn’t physically stationed nearby.
What I can say now is that it has been a great soul-lifting relief to be able to stop doing that math, to simply have a decision in place and a sense of forward momentum. I think it’s too early to share what it’s really like to be apart from the boys, but I do know we were going to be apart anyway. One kid is already out the door and fully ensconced in his own life, one kid will be there soon enough. We are finding new points of connection, we are finding our ways to new relationships with each other. I am maybe finding that I feel more meaningful to them, less a part of the familiar furniture and more of an actual person to talk with and learn about.
As for shared memories, I have faith that John and I will continue to evolve our own new ways of relating as loving exes who don’t regret the many years spent together. We’ll be able to have that banter: “Remember when they used to…?” It’ll be different than we both imagined, but it will be okay. I feel broken free from old loops and roles, and I hope we’ll be able to see each other with fresh eyes, remembering the good times.
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