Oct
24
Well, it is Fall. If you live in a place with seasons, maybe you are also seeing the leaves turning and noticing the crispness in the air and feeling the general lurking sense that somewhere somehow there is something pumpkin-themed near you. I am soaking up all the orange-red-brown beauty everywhere while also being full-on whammied by memories of taking kids to pumpkin patches and trick-or-treating and watching scary movies as a family on Halloween night.
I’m constantly reminding myself that it won’t always feel like this, but I suppose there always will be an ache for what was. But I hope it is like the other difficult milestones and seasons, like when Riley first left for college, or when sweet Callie passed. Those things felt like SO much at first, TOO much you might say, and then of course time went on and the way I felt changed. Nothing was forgotten, but everything became more manageable. That’s what I am hoping for in this first year of my divorce and leaving the family home: it will all become more manageable.
I must say it does feel a bit unfair that the holidays are barreling forward full steam. Can I maybe get a hot second here, I find myself thinking, although it’s been a second, it’s been two full months since I moved out, which isn’t long enough to fully adjust to this new normal but long enough be on my way. It’s been a huge amount of change top to bottom and I think I have some good footing, enough to have put up some Halloween decor, including a skeleton in the front yard and a light-up pumpkin peering out the attic window (I am frankly quite proud of myself for participating in any sort of seasonal effort whatsoever). I collaborated with the boys for some Thanksgiving and Christmas plans that center around us, some new traditions that will hopefully feel good and bolster us against the differences of how everything will look this year.
This is fine!!
I am alone enough now that I often think about the differences of shared experiences and whether one state is intrinsically better than the other. Obviously that depends on who you are with, and I guess what I would say is that it is better to be with someone you love and trust and feel loved and trusted in return, someone you feel like you can be your true self with, but failing that, it is much better to be alone. There is such a huge difference between being lonely and being alone.
I do feel lonely sometimes, even with the lovely/chaotic constant companionship of an affectionate and slightly deranged kitten, but not painfully so. I maybe feel lonely in my specific divorce experience, although I know many many other people have gone through the exact circumstances I have. It helps to talk about it, and I do, with trusted friends and a very good therapist. It helps to write about it here, in ways that I hope are authentic but not overly revealing or unfair to other people.
Another helpful mantra of sorts is that it’s okay to feel bad. I mean, it’s that simple sometimes, isn’t it? As much as we scrabble against the sads and bads, it’s so much better to just allow them to wash in and out. I was listening to a Martha Beck book and she was talking about how when you’re in a big catalyst of change, you can say to yourself, I don’t know what the hell is going on, and that’s okay! Yeah dude, I full-on don’t know yet where all of this is going to take me, and that’s okay.
One thing I know that I’m not sure I did a year ago, and that’s that I have my own back. I can truly say to myself, you’ve got this. Not, you know, like in girlboss script — not YOU’VE GOT THIS, GIRL!!! — but like, quietly: you’ve got this. Because whatever it is, I do, because I always do, because it’s okay for things to feel overwhelming, we keep going. It’s okay for things to feel like too much, because once I accept those feelings, I can stop drowning and start swimming.
I think I have also changed how I feel generally about my age. Don’t get me wrong, I do so love to complain about jowls and crackling knees and Kids These Days, but here at 51 I have more of a sense that there’s plenty of life left to live, if I’m lucky. The fact that it doesn’t look like what I thought it would is daunting but also so thrilling. Who knows what adventures and experiences are ahead — I have the freedom for all of it now. I’ve got this.
Oct
17
Hello I am typing this from a coffee shop because one thing about Billy the kitten is that he is ALL UP IN ALL OF MY BUSINESS ALL OF THE TIME and generally I really enjoy that but it certainly makes typing on a keyboard difficult. There are aspects of the Maine Coon breed that contribute to his intensely curious and playful personality, plus he is, as I like to say many times a day in the most ridiculous high-pitched voice, just a baby!!!
In the time I have been here slow-sipping my latte I have managed to complete the transfer of service for my Verizon phone account and bill, a surprisingly arduous process! Just another chore in the long lineup of peeling apart shared lives, and while none of it has been fun I am looking forward to the Zoom meeting that’s coming up regarding my IRA. I have not managed any aspect of our family money over the years and I think it will feel empowering to share my own priorities and concerns with this particular financial team that I am, happily, feeling very comfortable with.
Boy, all the adulting that’s been going on. I guess that’s kind of a dumb term when you’re over 50 for crying out loud but that’s what it feels like, major grownup stuff, and I have of course had to do All the Things — setting up utilities, buying healthcare (HORRIBLE), billing and budgeting, planning for the just-me financial future I’m facing — and it’s been a lot because sometimes I feel like I am also personally just a baby!!
It’s all coming to a settle, though. All the big initial movements of the rocked snowglobe of my life have halted and things are floating down, the skies are starting to clear.
I was talking with my sweet wonderful therapist a couple weeks ago and she said, you get to live your whole authentic life now, and that really struck me. Yes, I do. I get to do whatever I want, whenever I want, in my lovely home that is just for me. I can make all my own choices and I don’t have to compromise who I am in any sort of way. Rising above the losses and disruptions of this time, what beautiful avenues and opportunities are blooming open all around me.
It truly is the very best and very worst of times. It is all of the things! Life has always felt that way to me and this season is just that with the contrast set to 100. It is the full meal deal and I feel lucky to experience it. All the hard leads to all the good. Eventually all things pass, even the interminable Verizon hold music. You are very important to us! says the robot voice and I am sitting here thinking, I am important to me now, I am my North star, I am the one behind the wheel.
And after I hit publish, I’ll go home to my Billy boy, one great gift among so very many. Pretty soon he won’t be just a baby, but what an incredible delight he is, here in the ever-changing right now.
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